Halfzeimers

Auld Eric comes intae the golf clubhoose lookin afae doon.
"Fits up wee ye min?"
"Am goin tae gee the golf up loon" he says
"Hoo come that?" I asks
"We a the wankin av deen oor the years, ma eyesicht is jist nae fit it wiz, a cannae see far the ba is goin noo. Wifes niver bin a problem as I can feel ma road roond thone hole."
"Och awa wee ye min, all tell ye exactly fit tae dee. Fit wy div ye nae organise a game wee auld Alec there, 92yrs auld, but eyes like a hawk, he'll see far yer ba gings nae probs"

Twa weeks later, the twa o them are stood on the first tee.
Eric smacks the ba off the tee, turns tae Eric
"Did ye see far that went min?"
"Oh aye, oh aye, nae bother" says Alec
Alec then sends his ba awa.

Twa o them are marchin doon the fairway. They then stop and Alec plays his second shot. Off they go again. Efter anither 50yrds Eric's thinkin tae himsell, feck me, I've niver hit the ba so far in a my life, on they plod.

"Here min, are you sure you seen ma feckin ba aff the tee?"
"Oh aye, oh aye, seen it feckin fine" replies Alec
"Far the feck is it then?"



"A cannae remember!"





Naithin like a guid shot in the dark ;-)

Doctor Death aka Mac the Knive.

Jist hid tae relate this cracker tae abidy.
Am goin back a guid few years noo, hooiver, it'll bide wee me foriver.
Scene...........onboard an auld drilling rig North Sea
Need to know............every cabin hid there ane laundry bag wee room number attached.

Story
A kid ye not, but the name o the rig wiz the Alladin, by christ it could hiv deen wee a rub richt enough, but nae too hard or it wiz likely tae fa tae bits. As for the crew........abidy fine loons.....but nae bonnie loons..........yiv got the picture.
Onyway, the medic used tae sleep in the hospital normally, it was seperate fae the rest o the accomodation. Best wy tae describe Mac wuid be "dead man walking", a sorry sicht for a medic, he kid hiv deen we tackin a few peels himsell.
The company hid this safety officer based in the office, hooiver, on occasions she wuid visit the rig.
When she did appear, simple as this, she wiznae safe amongst a the bears onboard. As a "safety precaution" Mac wuid vacate the hospital and the wifey would move in if she wiz stoppin oo'er, gee her a bit o privacy like.
Abidy workin on nichts wiz in the galley packin thir gobs when the laundry man appears in the door. "Fit the fucks that yiv got stuck on yer heed min?" This prompted the lad tae remove the small black cotton briefs from his heed, and with that, promptly burried his nose intae the gusset and sniffed for Scotland. Ye kin imagine abidy wiz thinkin, fit the fucks he on like? Then it dawned....................fuck me, it's the wifie's knickers!
Well you can imagine the strammish that ensued, fuck Culloden, that was the last battle fought on British soil. A the boys wiz a blur faichten oor the poor lassie's personals. Knickers oor the heid, erms aloft, a tackin it in turns tae inhale air through the gusset o her drawers. Grown men were greetin wee joy. Fortunately, things settled efter we hid feast oorsells, and it wiz back tae work.
It disnae tack long for stories tae spread as weel as ye ken. The look o dejection on the dayshift lads faces wiz a picture. The driller wiz pit on suicide watch efter hearin the gusset hid been through the wash, feckin inconsolable the poor lad wiz.
Onyway, the jungle drums reached the captains lugs, he took it a in guid fun, he wiz aricht wiz Captain Marvel. Hooiver, thocht he wid tack it on himsell tae hae a wee word in the wifies lug so a repeat performance widnae happen the following nicht.

"Just a word of advice tae ye ma luv, I wuidnae be pittin yer washin doon tae the laundry in future, best tack yer smalls hame for a dicht."

" What smalls?" she said
"I haven't put anything down to the laundry"!!!!!!!!!

Fuck me, Mac had kept the hospital laundry bag when he changed cabin, it wiz his fuckin briefs!!!

It's nae worth thinkin aboot ony mair...................am awa tae be seek again

RIP Mac, you gave us many laughs

Cheerio aye noo

Naithin

Mair Doric Tales

Weel weel, nae a lot his happened since the drivel a wrote the last time. Obviously am at a loose end agin afore am pourin ma hert oot here.
News fae hame, next doors dowg is pregnant.............but they divnae ken fa the faither is, a disaster richt enough. Ken fine fit things are like we payin maintenance and the like these days. Chum is nae cheap.
Anither story fae along the coast a wiz hearin.
Jeannie wiz trevelin doon Herbor Street fan she bumped intae Netty Ross
Says Jeannie " fits this am hearin your Janice his hid a bairn?"
" Yiv herd richt enough" replies Netty.
"Of fit fine, fit did she hay, a loon or a quine?"
" A loon, ten pun, near broke the scales"
"Och that's gran, and fit are they gan tae cry him?"
"Naithin"

"Naithin??"
"Aye"

" Surely tae god they're gan tae ca him somethin!"

Cheerio aye noo
Naithin

Scottish Rants

Aye aye, fit like the day min, ye aye gettin them tee?
A dinnae really ken fit wy I hiv sterted this here blog, bit kinda thocht it wiz a guid idea tae files awa the oors whilst on the job like ;-)
Am workin awa fae hame aye noo, overseas like, nae a day trip through tae the Eberdeen Mert ( cheviots were 100 pund a heid last wick).
Jist tae fill ye in a wee bit on masell like, am mid forties, male, guid lookin, weel aff, real intelligent like, a body ye wuid greet for................and hung like a hen.
Am chavin awa aye noo like oor seas, bin dein that for mair years than I kin mind. Naebiddy hiz found me oot yet, so a jist keep ploddin awa in the aisle business.
Noo, av nae doot yiv already guessed am a member o the SAS, (saddle a sheep), gods country a the same. A decided fae early doors tae write this blag in Doric, kinda keep a selective audience, and hopefully git some crack fae the ither loonies an quinees thit hiv naithin else better tae dee ither thin post sh1te on the internet, onyway, am hayin a decent enough time and welcome tae ma blog.
Obviously work will dictate hoo often a manage tae post some quality drivel here, so jist bare wee me aye noo till a git settled intae ma stride. Bit a feel afae sure all hae ye a grippet afore time.
News fae hame is nae guid, it's passion rain am informed, bit naithin unusual in that, ken fan it's summer time fan the rain is warmer, that's the only indication up oor wy.
I'll cut things short for noo seens it's ma first post like, it'll seen be time tae throw the t1ts under the sheets and dream o howin neeps.
Feel free tae suggest ony topics at a ye wid like me tae touch on ;-)
Cheerio aye noo............be guid tae yersell and tack an egg.

Naithin